Managing In May
Updated: Oct 10, 2023
While May is Mental Health Awareness Month, it seems we are seeking to be aware day-to-day of how our brains are doing. A simple way to untangle some of the thoughts and feelings tumbling around in our minds is to borrow from the Gottmans' wisdom about "Perpetual Problems" and "Solvable Problems." In the book, The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver discuss ways to identify problems in relationships that can be solved (typically situation based), and problems that can be managed (differences in perspectives or values).
When I teach this concept to clients, instead of focusing outward, we often thera-spin the idea 180' to focus upon the relationship with selves. What solvable problems do we experience within our selves? What perpetual problems exist from our history, difficult experiences and unresolved emotions? Might the same techniques taught in the Sound Relationship House theory apply to how we work on the relationship within?
Join me for a moment as we consider this question and change up the wording a little bit. What if we could identify and separate our "struggles" from our "problems"? We can start exploring how talking kindly to ourselves (would I talk like this to my best friend?), engaging in healthy self soothing behaviors (take myself out for a lovely walk), compromising and finally accepting ourselves to solve what we can.
The example I use in training and counseling sessions uses a tire on a vehicle as a metaphor. Imagine you have a tire with a slow leak. The tire pressure light comes on every morning before you go to work. You have a few options:
Go the gas station every day and add air to the tire. A little bit of time and money will be spent every day struggling to manage the leaky tire. The struggle will be on going and ultimately quite tiring to manage.
Go to the tire shop, possibly spend more time and money upfront, and find a way to fix the problem. Pay for a tire patch. Save up for a replacement tire. Discover strategies to get back on the road safely. This might require more resources and require a bit more planning, yet you are finding the solvable problem within an ongoing struggle.
When we face struggles, such as depression or anxiety, we know there is no "easy fix" or "magic pill." It is a struggle. Within that struggle, however, we can find smaller solvable problems we can manage.
We can:
Explore sleep hygiene
Evaluate food and exercise options
Reach out to safe people and visit safe places that reboot our batteries and fill our hearts
Connect with professionals for medications and therapy as needed
Learn coping skills to manage our mood such as self soothing and positive self talk
We can't:
Fix or cure struggles/perpetual problems
Procrastinate forever on solving a solvable problem
Often, I see clients become more depressed or anxious when they believe they can "cure" or "fix" a struggle. They don't realize how often they are visiting that imaginary air pump, refiling their tire, only to wear down again and repeat the cycle the next day. When they practice positive coping skills, clients begin exploring what smaller problems are hiding in the struggle. At that point, they can strategize how to baby step towards solutions, build momentum and "fix" some problems, while accepting with humility, we all encounter struggles we can't solve.
A recent client used this model to help her clean her house. She told me: "When I get depressed, I stop putting away the clean clothes. I do the laundry, but I don't have the motivation or energy to fold it. Instead, I put the clothes in my bathtub. It's not a problem because I just use my shower. But every day, I see Depression Mountain in my tub, and feel worse and worse. Plus, when I think about self care, I remember how much I enjoy a hot bath. I can't do that when my tub is full of clothes." She realized that her diagnosis of Major Depression Disorder was not "curable" and instead is a struggle she can learn to manage. She discovered the solvable problems hiding in Depression Mountain, and decided to fold ten items a day until the pile was gone. By day three, she felt more motivated and surprised herself by finishing the task! She rewarded herself with a hot bubble bath that evening. She told me, "Sometimes I still get down on myself that my house isn't perfect. I learned that talking down to myself only made it worse. When I give myself smaller goals, and play some upbeat music to help myself get going, I can move mountains!"
With deep gratitude and relief, I remember the first time I read about "Perpetual problems" in the literature, and thought, this sounds like struggles that wear us down. We all experience these moments! I'm so thankful someone is addressing this in our profession and gives us ideas for how to manage them. The freedom to give ourselves grace, mercy and support so we can continue on our journey inspires me to consider every month Mental Health Awareness Month.
D'Ari, A. (2003). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. Journal of Systemic Therapies, 22(4), 73-75. Retrieved from https://manowar.tamucc.edu/login?url=https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/marriage-clinic-scientifically-based-marital/docview/222538732/se-2
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.